Earth customs are bizarre
by Schwester Aurelia
Summary: It's Rodney's birthday, and John has some kinky surprises for him! McShep Slash, kinky, includes sexy spanking between consenting adults. ;-) Part of the "In a better future" universe, but can be read as a stand alone too.


_Hello hello dear readers! **  
**Welcome back to another instalment in the "In a better future" universe. It's Rodney's birthday, yay!_

 _I was originally planning to post this for David Hewlett's 50th birthday next year, but why wait so long. Enjoy the early birthday present!_

 _It's getting kinky and sexy in here, please mind the tags. Thank you! Enjoy! :D_

* * *

 **Earth customs are bizarre**

John wakes up way earlier than Rodney, as always.

But today he isn't going for a run first thing in the morning. Today is Rodney's birthday, and he intends to make the most of the early morning before Nemmy is awake.

It's a complete delight to have her in their lives, and neither John nor Rodney can imagine a life without her now. But with a curious little kid in their quarters they need to be a little more discreet than before.

There are still enough opportunities to get nookie though, especially if you are a bit flexible and creative.

He programmed their coffee machine to start brewing a little earlier, so that the coffee is hot and fresh when he returns from his quick trip to the bathroom. Trying to get Rodney to engage in any kind of activity before morning coffee would just be cruel and unusual.

John sets the big mug with fresh brew on the night stand, and then leans down to whisper into his husband's ear.

"Good morning, birthday boy!"

Rodney makes one of his morning sounds which don't really constitute words, but get his feeling across nonetheless. He sounds a little grumbly, but also a little interested.

John waves the coffee nearer to his nose, and Rodney leans up on one elbow with his eyes still mostly closed. John carefully places the mug in his free hand, and Rodney downs about half of it in one go.

The humming sound he makes is much more on the interested side after that.

John leans forward for a coffee flavoured kiss.

"You awake yet, McKay?"

Rodney squints at him suspiciously, inhales more coffee, and makes an impatient "Go on then" gesture with his other hand.

John grins at him. "How would you like your birthday spanking before breakfast?"

That wakes his physicist up, fast. Rodney coughs, careful not to spill any of his precious liquid. He quickly drains the rest of his mug, and puts it safely out of harm's way.

"Elaborate."

John chuckles. "You, bare ass over my knee, getting nice and toasty. Before Nemmy wakes up. Or tonight after she's asleep, your choice."

He shrugs nonchalantly, as if it really doesn't matter to him one way or the other.

Rodney huffs a laugh. "Why not both?"

Then he briskly claps his hands. "Chop, chop, Sheppard, time's a wastin!"

John's grin turns wolfish. With a lighting fast maneuver he has Rodney in his grip, and turned over his knee. The birthday boy laughs in delight.

"You know how sexy that is, Colonel husband?"

John fondly pets the bottom over his knee like a lap cat. "Oh yes."

Rodney begins to wriggle impatiently, so John yanks his pajama bottoms down, and gives him a good swat.

"Count them."

Rodney snorts. "Count them yourself. I'm an astrophysicist, I don't need to bother myself with numbers under a million."

That startles one of John's donkey laughs out of him, and he gives his husband another, firmer swat.

"A smart ass is what you are."

"So you keep telling me. Not feeling it yet."

John shakes his head, and sets on delivering a birthday spanking to remember. Rodney is going to feel this all day whenever he sits down.

John doesn't count aloud either, but he keeps track in his head.

He intersperses the smacks with generous groping. Rodney is soon moaning and squirming wantonly. John will never tire of the sounds he makes when he lets his guard down.

After a dozen smacks Rodney's ass is turning nice and pink. John kneads the flesh of his husband's ass appreciatively. Rodney moans. "Get _**on**_ with it, Sheppard!"

John chuckles. "Bossy, aren't we? We have at least an hour before Nemmy wakes up, McKay, I can take all the time I need."

Rodney grumbles something unintelligible, and wriggles impatiently. John decides not to tease him too much. It is his birthday, after all.

He starts spanking again, slow and firm, so that Rodney has the opportunity to feel each smack fully before the next one lands.

After two dozen smacks Rodney has kicked off his pajama bottoms completely, and John nudges his legs a little further apart. "Hand me the lube, please."

 _That_ is an order Rodney is eager to follow. John opens him expertly, and then wipes his hand on a towel he brought with him from the bathroom. Along with the towel, he brought a little present which he now gives to Rodney.

Rodney huffs a laugh. "You want me to open that _**now**_? While hanging sunny side up over your knee?"

John grins. "Trust me, it'll come in handy."

Rodney tears the wrapping paper - and gasps. "Oh, you have a _**filthy**_ mind, Colonel! I love it."

He hands the present back to John, who puts it to good use. It is a butt plug he had custom made. It's slender enough not to be too much of a distraction when worn during the day, but long enough that it will reach Rodney's prostate when he sits down. The outside is a beautiful replica of the stargate of Atlantis.

John lubes it up generously, and carefully inserts it into Rodney's butt. He marvels at the look of it peeking out between Rodney's butt cheeks.

"Beautiful."

"Yeah, we can make a photoshoot later. I believe we have some unfinished business, Sheppard!"

John shakes his head with a fond smile. Rodney sure knows what he wants, and how to demand it.

He spanks his husband full center for the next part, which drives Rodney absolutely wild with desire. He humps John's thigh, and makes sounds that are downright pornographic. John loses count fairly quickly, but neither of them minds.

Once Rodney's marvellous butt is nice and red, John flips him over unto his back, and goes down on him for the by now traditional birthday blowjob.

Rodney is squirming, and moaning helplessly, gripping John's hair, and swearing incoherently.

He comes in under a minute.

John's grin is quite smug afterwards. Rodney flops back on the bed, and tiredly gestures for John to join him.

As they still have about twenty minutes until their normal time to get up, John gladly does.

* * *

"JackGeneralDad?" Lantis whispers anxiously, standing next to her parents' bed.

Jack wakes up fast. "Hey honey. Did you have a bad dream?"

Lantis shakes her head, but gratefully climbs into bed when he holds the blanket up invitingly.

She snuggles into his arms with a contented sigh, and Jack rubs her back.

"You sounded a little spooked, hm?"

"... we have a question."

"Shoot."

"Are birthday spankings mandatory?"

Jack huffs a laugh. "No, sweetie, don't worry. It's just a silly custom."

Lantis relaxes against him in relief. "Oh, we are glad."

"Your birthday is about you having a good time, so we don't have to do anything you don't like."

"Technically, we weren't really born."

"When the mom has a c-section the child isn't born in the classic sense either. The kid still gets to celebrate birthdays."

Lantis giggles. "That is a good point, JackGeneralDad. Can we have a big party in the amusement park?"

"Of course."

"And invite all our friends?"

"Yup."

"And go for a Jumper ride with you and DanielDoctorJacksonDad?"

"Sure."

Lantis grins. "And eat nothing but ice cream all day?"

Jack laughs, and taps her nose. "Nope. You can have birthday cake for breakfast though."

"Yesss." Lantis wriggles further down in the bed, and closes her eyes again. "That's gonna be fun," she murmurs sleepily.

Jack presses a kiss to her hair. "It sure is, kiddo."

Soon Lantis falls back asleep. Jack lies awake for some time, having somewhat bittersweet memories of Charlie's birthdays he attended, and especially those he missed. That's not gonna happen again, he promises himself. His duties are largely administrative, there is no reason he can't take his daughter's birthday off.

* * *

Rodney is in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and drinking his third coffee. John woke up Nemmy, and she is currently in the bath.

That's the only reason John chances giving Rodney's butt a good swat on his way to the fridge. Rodney's muffled yelp is very satisfying, but then John freezes when he hears a very shocked "Daddy!"

Rodney chokes on his coffee, and John whirls around to see Nemmy standing in the door to the kitchen with a frown.

"Hitting is not allowed, daddy!"

John crouches down, and holds out his arms to her. "C'mere, hon."

Nemmy runs to him for a hug, and he picks her up, and sits down in a chair with her in his lap. "You're absolutely right, Nemmy, hitting is not allowed. Your pa and I are not fighting, we're just …"

He looks to Rodney for help, and his husband joins them, leans against the table, and ruffles Nemmy's hair.

"We are just playing a grown up game. It's all in fun."

"Oh. Like sex?"

John feels his cheeks warm up, but nods. "Yes, like sex."

Nemmy looks at them both in turn, and then shrugs. "Okay. Can we have breakfast now?"

"We sure can!"

Rodney goes to the fridge to get out the juice, and milk, and discovers a big birthday cake.

"Oh, nice!"

John whispers in Nemmy's ear, and she runs to her room to fetch her present.

John gives the birthday boy an apologetic kiss. "Sorry. I'll be more discreet."

Rodney grins at him. "Oh don't worry. If it happens again, I'll just enjoy seeing you sweat trying to explain sex related stuff to her."

John smiles ruefully. "That's only fair."

Their breakfast is really nice. Nemmy is so excited for her pa to open up the card and present she made for him.

"Oh! Did you make this yourself, hon? It's amazing!"

Nemmy bops up and down in her seat in excitement. "Yes! Teyla helped me a lot though."

Rodney lifts her into his lap, and Nemmy goes on to explain about the traditional Athosian weaving techniques they used to create the figure of a little cat.

"Thank you, sweetie, I really love it." Rodney carefully sets the cat on the table against the vase of flowers, so she can see everything that goes on at the table.

John also gives him another present that is safe to open around kids. It's a complete box set of the 1960s Batman series, and Rodney is delighted.

Nemmy curiously looks at the cover. "Why does this man have little horns, pa? Is he taking part in an Earth ritual?"

The rest of breakfast flies by while John and Rodney explain about Batman.

Nemmy is allowed to stay on Rodney's lap for the remainder of it, happily munching on birthday cake, and listening to her dad and pa talk. She doesn't understand half of it, but Pa promised they would watch an episode tonight, so that's all right.

* * *

 _And that's it for today, folks! :D_

 _Thanks for reading, I hope you had fun! I certainly did LOL_

 _If you liked the smut, please let me know as I am not very experienced writing it! Constructive criticism is always welcome as well.  
Until next time!_


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